It is almost ten years since I met my wife; and we’ve been living together for the past seven years. During all this time, we have never had a fight or an argument. I was thinking about this, which prompted me to search for the reason why. This is what I came up with as the most important cause:
Despite all our differences and contrasting opinions, neither of us can find anything that is worth making the other person upset. Her happiness is my number one priority and vice versa. We have come to observe and believe that there is no problem in the world that is more important than the happiness of the other person. We cannot sacrifice the happiness and peace of mind of one another for any topic, any opinion, any differences.
Sometimes, my wife and I have a difference of opinions. Let’s say I think the color of the car that we’re going to buy should be black -because that’s my favorite color- and she thinks it should be white. (Needless to say; her opinion usually turns out to be more logical). First of all, we are definitely going to have an argument! But it's what I call a reversed argument! I’ll be insisting that we should buy a white car because that’s what she likes and she will insist that we should get a black car because that’s what I like. Both of us see this as an opportunity to make the other person happy and we both want to win at “that”.
But even if this doesn’t happen, there’s no way for us to argue for a “color” at the expense of making the other person upset. I would rather buy a car with the ugliest color if I know that it's what will make her happy. Her happiness, her joy, her excitement is mine and it’s the same for her too. I was thinking that “this” is really the true meaning of love.
But, this is not what I usually see in other couples. I find that many people think that life is a battle and the attitude tends to be something like: “I have to win no matter what,” or “I should win and “I” am the only thing that matters. It seems like they would rather have even a small win now than a long-lasting much more valuable win in the long run. They say: “if she loves me, she would want the best for me”. They think it's only the other person who should love them but they don’t need to love them back. They are very wrong. They will win a “color” but will lose a “life”.
Is there any way to break out of this vicious cycle? There sure is. It is just to love unconditionally. To love just to love. To give love and not look for anything in return. The answer always is: more love.
There is a quote from a French writer, Stendhal, which I think is appropriate in these situations. He says: “If you don't love me, it does not matter, anyway I can love for both of us.” Although it seems stupid to love someone who doesn’t love you back, forever, but it sure can be helpful in a short time.
Let me give you an example from another context. I've been in situations with someone who, for an unknown reason, seemed unable to tolerate me at all. I did have the option of fighting back. “You throw a punch, I’ll throw a punch and a kick!” But, I didn’t do that; Instead, I made a promise to myself to be just extra kind to this particular person, regardless of his actions. I’m going to be extra kind to you not because I’m looking for something in return, but because I obviously haven’t been kind “enough” to you. At first, it seemed like all I did was futile. Sometimes it made that person even more angry. But sooner or later, there was a change in attitude. The person soon came to the conclusion that: “Wow! I guess he is just genuinely kind to me for no reason”. And, soon we were able to connect on a much deeper level. Even becoming close friends. The answer always is: more love.
I gave this example to make the point that this approach can work for couples too. One person is always enough to start this and sooner or later there is going to be results. In any case, you don’t lose anything. Love is not like money! The more you give, the more you’ll have. Your mind generates it more, if you give it away more.
I’m sure that you’ve heard people say of making a sandwich or a pizza that there is no such thing as “too much cheese”. Well, in life, the same is true about love!
::samic::